It was around one year back, after I ran the Airtel Half Marathon, a long cherished dream, that I wrote a piece called ‘Why do I run’ ,but today while sipping whiskey and alternating it with a rich almond soup, at an official party, I asked myself “Why don’t I run”?.
The top boss is raving about a high ranking officer , how this guy had done so well in life and his children too, apparently, were following suit. I wonder "Did I ever do well in life? Did I ever push myself to achieve?, did I really want anything ?" The answer , incidentally, is all in negative.
Anyways I reached late and entered through the back door and acted like I was already there, which of course is an art, mastered over a period of time .I quickly downed a few drinks, before the normal praising or good bye speeches started, be ready for what was to come .
Here I was, trying to get drunk, hearing a mumbo jumbo speech about a guy who apparently had done well for himself. The kind of guy with whom I would never be friends with ,in younger days and wont be able to connect in older days .Topping all exams, ticking all boxes. Do they ever have serious fun ?
I had a flashback, alcohol helps I guess, and I thought about this fact that in my life, I never ran: after anything. I guess I have been lucky enough that things came to me or may be I was lucky enough to be enlightened at an early age ,saw the writing on the wall and realised the futility of it all . That could be a limerick.
Saw the writing on the wall,
Early on realised the futility of it all .
Since, when there as nothing , nothing at all ;
There was The Wall .
( its an ode to guys, who got it)
I never ran to be in
the school cricket team, everyone thought I should have. I never ran to be in
the school football team & everyone thought I should have. I got decent
marks in class X exam, before that I used to be miserable in studies, not
because I ran for it but because my mother used to make me sit on my study table for
3-4 hours a day and without a mobile phone or internet how can you kill time .There is limit to scratching family jewels even when you are fifteen. So I
sat for a year and a half for around 3-4 hours a day and did well. I never ran
for the class XII exam and mother dear could not make me sit at a study table for 3-4
hours a day so I did not get decent marks in class XII.
The story goes on and on for each and everything in my life. I never ran for anything or anyone. Army happened without running though there was too much running in it. Love happened, no running, marriage happened no running. A beautiful child happened ,of course there is no running involved there too. Separation, followed by divorce, no running here too.
I wonder whether it was my intrinsic deep rooted laziness or a laidback nature which discouraged me from running. May be how I grew up to life, may be what I read affected me. May be it was the famous song from the “The wall” whose lyrics are “…. for I have seen the writing on the wall”. May be it was an amalgamation of everything. Whatever it was it nothing could motivate me to run, or run after. While I did not run ,I enjoyed being there, being in it . I really enjoyed my cricket, my football. I still do, till this very moment too. I guess I just enjoy the journey, the process, with no hurry to get anything or reach anywhere. And all those who wander are not always lost .
Things kept happening, as they are happening this very moment too, but I wont run after them .Incidentally I started taking joy in actual running i.e. running on the road and on treadmill .
It would be totally incorrect to say that I
did not run at all. I tried to ,once or twice , but when I ran after something ,
it ran away from me. My deep rooted laidback nature was vindicated and I then
allowed things to happen without running.
Only time can prove
whether I am going to rue the fact of not running. I would like to believe that I
am at good place now. I have immense love pouring from all directions which I value a lot. I do not know whether I am going to regret
not running , but I am surely going to regret one kind of non running,
which I still do till date , and that is not running after skirts.
WRITTEN :Dec 13, Exactly one year after I wrote "why do I run"
2 comments:
Self introspection, putting in words beautifully! I am also kind of the same๐คฃ
thanks a lot
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