I am writing this note for two reasons; firstly as a
note for myself, as writing is good for the soul and secondly as a note for those who
commented and shared their surprise , sympathy
and offered their condolences on
my disapproval for promotion to the next rank . As the feeling, that I am
superseded, I really couldn’t care for
whether its spelt with a ‘s ‘or a ’ c ‘right now , and no longer in the mainstream , which I call system ,
sinks in I feel like sharing or penning my thoughts. Most of what I shall be writing will be called clichéd and
rumblings of overlooked guy but what the
heck I got to do what I got to do, most of you know me that way .
I must begin by
saying that I do stay honoured for your concern , love
and affection .
It would be completely wrong to say that I am not feeling
bad or disappointed , I am feeling
little disappointed and may be little
bad too but I am not senti ,as in overtly emotional, at all. Somehow the word
senti always reminds me of my heydays in Dehradun when we were
more high on life than on cheap
liquor, grass , bought from the government shop near Railway
station, chasing skirts . Ashu , Ashish Mediratta , would always say “kar senti to la panty”, and we
would have a hearty laugh , though none
of us ever believed in that philosophy but it stays as one of the best one liner
till date for FUBAR, from Saving Private Ryan .So you know now why I can’t afford to be
senti.
I am little disappointed , in fact only little
disappointed ,because I had only little hopes . In the beginning I was too naive or lost in
myself to think of things ahead or you
can say I wasn’t ambitious at all. I just believed in working hard, enjoying
myself and flowing with the time ,in fact I still do, I forewarned you that it
will sound clichéd . Later , in the last
four-five years I had started getting recognition
for my work within the system ,that
is where this little hope had come in during these last years . I also coined after understanding the concept of disapproval
to next rank , supersession as " putting you out of system" .
I had assessed myself
among the last few who would be able to, with a hand of god, cross the
line .It is apparent that I wasn’t the one to get the push . Perhaps God
chose to give me push some other time, in some other place .In the recent times I have had major setbacks
in my life , many of you would
know that, and initially I would think
why me? , but soon I realised that I was being a favourite child of god as
whenever he screws me I come out as a
better person . I appreciate life better , I understand love , friendship and
family much better. And I am not saying this
just for the sake of saying I have seen these changes in me. So this
time around I will be looking out . In
fact some have already arrived , now I
get to read the newspaper everyday in office
, there is no performance anxiety at all ,my guy friends can relate to
performance anxiety better , and there no deadlines to meet , a part of this
note is also written in the office .There was a personality drift in last two
years , for reasons that I fail to comprehend, but I am getting that swagger
back and I love it.
There are other reasons
too for origin of this little
hope for approval ie
my being called for UN Mission
interview twice , though kept as
reserve on both occasions ,serving in
staff at command HQ, me being sent to a newly raised unit, second exposure of that kind
and of course the kind of reports that I got , especially the op
reports, of course I have no intention
of getting into details of those at this
moment
Speaking as a matter
of fact , which I consider that people around me know me for ,I had
piped my chances at 30%, which in the
last one year fluctuated many times from
30 to 40% but finally halted at 30 to 35%.I agree with the advise of making a
lemonade when life throws a lemon at you, or have a tequila or whatever but I
surely took Gen Moorthy’s advise a bit
too literally ,he told me to have a drink irrespective of the result ,when I opened a bottle of Black Label for the unit
officers the day the result of my non
approval to next rank was out. On that
score I guess I might have the distinction of being the only guy known to treat
people with scotch when he is not empaneled, another fancy term for non
approval, they don’t write unfit, though
it means all the same
In the last few
years I have been drawing too many
parallels between the Army and life and this is the latest one “They both are unfair but are
still beautiful”
WRITTEN :AUG 11 , Some time after my promotion board result
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