LIFE IS UNFAIR BUT ITS STILL BEAUTIFUL

 

I am writing this note for two reasons; firstly as a note  for myself, as  writing is good for  the soul and secondly as a note for those who commented and shared their surprise , sympathy  and offered their condolences  on my disapproval for promotion to the next rank . As the feeling, that I am superseded, I really couldn’t  care for whether its spelt with a ‘s ‘or a ’ c ‘right now , and no longer  in the mainstream , which I call system , sinks in I feel like sharing or penning my thoughts. Most of what I  shall be writing will be called clichéd and rumblings of overlooked  guy but what the heck I got to do what I got to do, most of you know me that way .

 I must begin by saying that  I  do stay honoured for your concern , love and  affection .

It would be completely wrong to say that I am not feeling bad or disappointed ,  I am feeling little disappointed and may be  little bad too but I am not senti ,as in overtly emotional, at all. Somehow the word senti always reminds me of my heydays in  Dehradun  when we were  more high on life than on cheap  liquor,  grass ,  bought from the government shop near Railway station, chasing skirts . Ashu , Ashish Mediratta , would always say “kar senti to la panty”, and we would  have a hearty laugh , though none of us ever believed in that philosophy but it stays as one of the best one liner till date for FUBAR, from Saving Private Ryan  .So you know now why I can’t afford to be senti.

I am   little  disappointed , in fact only little disappointed ,because  I had  only little hopes . In  the beginning I was too naive or lost in myself to think of things ahead  or you can say I wasn’t ambitious at all. I just believed in working hard, enjoying myself and flowing with the time ,in fact I still do, I forewarned you that it will sound clichéd .  Later , in the last four-five   years  I had started getting  recognition  for my work within the system  ,that is where this little hope had come  in during these last years . I also coined after  understanding the concept of disapproval to next rank , supersession as " putting you out of system" .

I had assessed   myself among the  last few who would   be able to, with a hand of god, cross the line .It is apparent that I wasn’t the one to get the push . Perhaps God chose  to give me push some other time, in some other place  .In the recent times I have had major setbacks  in my life , many of you  would know that, and initially  I would think why me? , but soon I realised that I was being a favourite child of god as whenever he  screws me I come out as a better person . I appreciate life better , I understand love , friendship and family much better. And I am not saying this  just for the sake of saying I have seen these changes in me. So this time around  I will be looking out . In fact some have already arrived , now  I get to read the newspaper  everyday   in office   , there is no performance anxiety at all ,my guy friends can relate to performance anxiety better , and there no deadlines to meet , a part of this note  is also  written in the office  .There was a personality drift in last two years , for reasons that I fail to comprehend, but I am getting that swagger back and I love it.

There are other reasons  too for origin  of this little hope  for approval ie  my being called for UN Mission  interview twice , though  kept as reserve on both occasions  ,serving in staff at command HQ, me being sent to a newly raised unit, second exposure  of that kind  and of course the kind of reports that I got , especially the op reports, of course I  have no intention of  getting into details of those at this moment

Speaking as a matter  of fact , which I consider that people around me know me for ,I had piped  my chances at 30%, which in the last one year  fluctuated many times from 30 to 40% but finally halted at 30 to 35%.I agree with the advise of making a lemonade when life throws a lemon at you, or have a tequila or whatever but I surely took  Gen Moorthy’s advise a bit too literally ,he told me to have a drink irrespective of the result ,when  I opened a bottle of Black Label for the unit officers  the day the result of my non approval to next rank  was out. On that score I guess I might have the distinction of being the only guy known to treat people with scotch when he is not empaneled, another fancy term for non approval,  they don’t write unfit, though it means all the same

 In the last few years  I have been drawing too many parallels  between  the Army and life   and this is the latest one  “They both are unfair but  are  still beautiful”

WRITTEN :AUG 11 , Some time after my promotion board result